John Tole's America

The Ronnie Mund Block Party Seattle and Portland

2012-02-01T23:16:00.001-08:00

The widely discussed and anticipated Ronnie Mund Block Party invaded the Northwest with two standing room only shows in Seattle WA and Portland OR. The fans in attendance were given full access to the festivities, boobs, comedy and wack pack legend Gary The Retard!

The weekend started with the tour members flying to Seattle from New York, Austin and Los Angeles.

Shuli live tweeted the trip @shalomshuli which found Shuli, Ronnie and Scott leaving Sirius in a monsoon.

With Scott behind the wheel the black cloud was definitely along for the trip. The black cloud found it's way into the terminal where Scott was unable to buy water because the register up and died prior to the transaction.

I flew from Austin to Seattle and like all road trips it was marred with stupidity. Personally I'm not a fan of airplane humor but Brian Regan could do an hour on this photo of failure in action.

Seattle is a great city, great fans and we got an unexpected two days of great weather instead of the drab rainy grey cold that's so bad. Cobain took the easy way out.

Some fans met us in the hotel and the Mambo King was signing autographs and a fan had this great idea. In the near future, expect to see eBay stores based out of third world countries selling bootleg "Stop The Clock" or Flava Flav stealing Ronnie's catch phrase.

Shuli, Yucko and Ronnie wait outside the hotel before we headed over to The El Corazon for the meet and greet. Scott is absent because someone or everyone "forgot" to tell him what time we were meeting.

Ronnie Mund and the man behind the scenes Seqouia from Cleanbox Entertainment prepare for a night of wild antics. This photo is what I imagine a 30 year anniversary would look like if the people involved in the Big Brothers/Big Sisters didn't die of loneliness way before.

The meet and greet was great and the fans were able to hang out and get pictures with the tour members. Some were nice enough to share their photos for the tour blog. If you have photos or video you would like included, send them to me on twitter @johntole

After the meet and greet, the crowd was hyped up and ready to rock. Fans were thrilled with Scott The Engineer's high energy dance intro which gave way to Ronnie welcoming everyone and getting the show started. The highlight of Scott's dance was when he tried to enter the stage from the front but it was too high and you could see the look on his face when he realized it wasn't going to happen and he gracefully played it off and entered from the side averting near disaster.

Jason Stewart, who you would know from The Killers of Comedy on the Road and The Promoter, started the comedy off and that gave way to Ronnie's Hot Chick Contest. Then, I was brought up to do my act. The crowd was hot and loved the dirty offensive material. 20 minutes later I was done and out back sweaty and hurling Jameson and pizza because I'm a disgusting human.

Yucko had just flown in from LA and had to get in make up and costume in the cab ride over (which must have been a mind fuck for the cab driver). It's bad enough you gotta drive a cab around, get stiffed and possibly get murdered, now there's an angry clown yelling obscenities and honking a horn.

Yucko destroyed the room and then it was the man of the hour, Shuli Egar who finished out the Seattle Block Party stop with his hysterical act. He was only interrupted once by a gentleman who picked a room full of security and 250 people to yell "white power". That "gentleman" finished the show laying on the side walk and explaining to the cops how he was "misunderstood".

Aside from that, the WA, ID, MT and Canadian Stern fans were incredible and it felt like being with family.

After the show, Ronnie, Sequoia, our camera crew, fans and I went over to Rebar for some late night partying. Ronnie was the king of the dance floor and held court. Side note Rebar is a gay bar and Ronnie was by far the best dancer.

With Seattle successfully behind us, it was time for the Block Party to head on down to Portland. I love surreal moments in my life where I get to drive Ronnie The Limo Driver around.

Justin from Cool Hand Pictures was with us to document the weekend.

Scott was less than enthused about the ride. Shuli the pro prankster was live tweeting the ride and snapping every Scott and Ronnie photo possible when he wasn't interrupting Ronnie's naps with the sound effect app he had installed on his phone.

The highlight of the ride was when we pulled the ol "everyone scream when I jam on the brakes game". See photo for a very terrified Ronnie.

Video is coming soon of the whole weekend so look out for it, it's hysterical.

After 150 miles and a trip to Denny's where Ronnie actually looked at the 55+ menu we arrived in Portland and got ready for our show at The Hawthorne Theater.

The crowd in Portland was huge and loud and took every opportunity to try to derail the block party.

Yucko went up first and was followed by Ronnie's Hot Chick Dance Contest.

After the dance contest Shuli, Gary The Retard and I held down the comedy portion of the show and sent the fans home happy.

We did have to have to some fans removed from the Portland show because they felt it was cool to fuck up the show by yelling and ruin the good fans time. Much respect to the awesome Stern Fans who supported and suck a big dick to the small group of ego maniacs who used the show as an opportunity to yell mindless drivel, you should be ashamed of yourself not just for yelling and being assholes but for doing it in such a boring uncreative way.

We are going to be in Hartford CT at City Steam Brewery on Friday Feb 24th and Stamford CT at
Fiddlers Pub on Saturday Feb 25th and we are excited to have JD Harmeyer with us!

Tickets and information for upcoming shows and cities is available at www.cleanboxentertainment.com

To follow us on Twitter
Ronnie Mund
@rmlimodriver69

Shuli Egar
@shalomshuli

Yucko The Clown
@yuckotheclown

John Tole
@johntole

See you on the road in 2012.

Definitely add us on Twitter and Facebook and as a bonus here is the Mambo King himself in full twitter glory.

John Tole's America Episode 5 is up now!

2012-02-01T22:49:00.000-08:00

Here it is after a 2 week hiatus. Its Carey Denise and I breaking down the world as we see it. This is soon to be on iTunes once we get our approval, which will make all of this Hella Easy!

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN!

The big weight loss secret

2012-02-01T22:46:00.001-08:00

In April of 2009, I weighed in at 411 pounds. I was out of control, consuming 5000 to 7000 calories a day and eating fast food 3 to 5 times a day as well as eating other meals my ex wife had prepared at home.

I was morbidly obese, I was nearing the point where wiping my own ass completely was a struggle. I slept with a CPAP machine so I didn't die in the middle of the night.

I was fortunate enough to have gastric bypass. Because of the surgery, I went from 411 pounds to 305 pounds which is a significant weight loss but I still had a long way to go.

Over time I figured out how to trick my system and overeat. After losing 100+ pounds I had packed back on another 30.

By March of 2011, I was at 335 pounds. I knew I was close to completely blowing it and screwing the pooch and being one of those 1000 pound motherfuckers you see getting cut out of a house.

I don't want to get off on a spiritual guru fruity tangent here but I will tell you that through my studies of zen, yoga, Alan Watts, Joseph Campbell, LSD, Mushrooms, DMT and a special visit with a Shaman in New Mexico I was blessed with the veil of reality being pulled back.

My deteriorating health was my doing.

My failed relationships were my doing.

My career failures were my doing.

AND MY SUCCESS WAS MY DOING.

Simply what it comes down to is choice.

As entities in this form we were given the free will to choose and through our choices we create our reality.

That's what they don't want you to know.

Society has created this frenetic pace where possessions and accomplishments drive the ego and those folks who have had a rough go of things turn to what is available to find peace, some turn to booze, some to drugs and for a lot of people it's food.

Dollar menu options, savory chemically constructed perfections where scientists have determined the right amount of sodium and sugar to provide short term satisfaction while creating a drive to consume more fast food.

WE ARE KILLING OURSELVES $1 AT A TIME!

So what does it all mean?

Choice.

Success is a series of positive choices in a row until the choices become habits or what they call a life style change.

Failures are the continual choices that only create the outcome of failure.

Why do you choose the way you choose?

For me, I never believed success was possible I had a lifetime of failure, a lifetime of near misses but when I honestly looked at my life, my choices were the cause of my failure.

What they will never tell you, what they don't want you to know, is that your belief in yourself, in choosing to succeed, in choosing to create your reality is up to you.

Just keep choosing.

Meal after meal.

Portion after portion.

Work out after work out.

And you know what?

Sometimes I eat bacon.

Sometimes I drink.

I'm writing this at 36k over the mid west on a Delta Flight and if you saw the weirdo sleep face of the broad next to me you'd slap her with your cock just because the laugh is that good.

That's my office dude. Couple vodkas and a light beer.

In the end today I'm still going to end up consuming 1500 calories and working out because I'm going to choose to do it.

There will come a time when you say FUCK IT I'm gonna lose weight and there will come a time when you say FUCK IT I'm gonna pound 12 beers and eat this bowl of guacamole and chips.

It's fine.

It's all good.

Why are you judging yourself?

Why are you your harshest critic?

Why did you give yourself the job to condemn your choices?

Happiness is here.

Right now.

Do you want it?

Seriously?

Are you worthy of allowing yourself to children be happy?

Were back to choice again?

Your freewill allows you to choose how to act and it also allows you to choose how you judge your actions.

"don't judge lest ye be judged."

One rule.

Accept what is.

Look around you, find the joy, find the positives, find reasons to keep making positive healthy choices and you will begin to manifest your reality.

With diet, exercise and good choices I went from 335 lbs to 280 lbs.

It was a gradual, healthy weight loss. All through choice.

Limiting my portions. Stopping before I was full. Eating slower. No soda. No fast food.

In the fall of 2011 I was diagnosed with Lynch Syndrome which is a genetic mutation which means I have a higher risk of stomach and colon cancer.

I don't have health care. I'm a comic. I don't have a lot of money or time but what I I've is the choice in how to accept this reality.

Right now, Netflix is my healthcare.

I watched "Fat Sick and Nearly Dead" where a man from Australia through juicing only lost over 100 lbs and cured a skin disease he had been battleing.

Why couldn't I do that?

What was I missing?

The choice to do it.

These days when Im home in Austin, I juice two meals a day.

I use the Jack Lalane juicer.

It was $99

I juice every day
3 carrots
1 green apple
1 pear
1 red pepper
4 stalks of celery
1 cucumber
1 stalk of broccoli
1 head of kale
1 beet

My other two meals are for the most part vegan.
I learned to like tofu over eggs.
I cook at home.
I made the choice to do this.

When you're ready to be healthy it's there waiting for you, just don't wait too long, some shit you can't come back from.

You're worth it. You were sent here in this form to love yourself and to love others.

The healthier you are, the more energy you have, the more you can love, the more love you will be given to give.

You can change the world once you change yourself.

With this life style change I went from 280 lbs to 250 lbs and it's a good start.

I think 200 will be a healthier weight and I'll keep making good choices to get there.

I get to do this.

Its my life created by my choices.

You get to choose to give a fuck or not.

It's funny at 40 years old with colonoscopys, polyp removal and my very death brought forefront to my reality, I made the ultimate choice to live.

I shop at Whole Foods, I eat Organic, I recycle, no more paper or plastic, I bring my canvas shopping bag because I choose to care about the environment. I don't use Chemicals, everything is all natural and healthy.

At 40 years old I've turned into the biggest left wing liberal fruit cake and that's funny if you knew as a kid how many times I wished the hippies down the street died of cancer.

In the end, time is running out. Live today for today like there are no tomorrows. Love unconditionally starting with you.

Happiness and health are right here, right now, choose to embrace them and thrive.

Disconnect from TV, the media and commercials, they know how to play to your emotions and your drivers.

I made the choices that got me to be a suicidal 411 lb man with a disastrous life and different choices brought it all back to the joy I experience today.

We weren't sent here to suffer.

Choose joy.

Choose love.

Choose to live and be healthy.

From April 2009 to Jan 2012, I've went from a suicidal 411 lb dude to a joyful 250 lb dude and I can tell you one thing.

I'm really hungry.

And I'm OK with it.

If anyone wants to talk, share, have questions etc

Hit me up on Twitter @johntole

\m/

John Tole's America Podcast

2012-01-08T01:10:00.001-08:00

ENJOY!
CLICK HERE TO BE SENT TO OUR SOUND CLOUD PAGE FOR EPISODE 1

CLICK HERE TO BE SENT TO OUR SOUND CLOUD PAGE FOR EPISODE 2

IMO 2 is better.

UNPLUG YOUR MIND!

2012-01-08T01:05:00.001-08:00

I stopped watching the news because I’ve grown to the point personally where I can no longer sit and be marketed to in trade for two bimbette spokesholes and an old guy to read a teleprompter full of corporate driven drivel approved at the highest levels of the very corporatocracy profiting on their ability to abuse what little attention I have to offer.

I unplugged, I turned it off, I know longer care, I also no longer know what’s going on in the world around me and I’m completely OK with it because I can’t do anything about it. My head shaking, my hand wringing is not going to put American jobs back on the table, it is not going to solve the violence in the middle east or our own domestic problems here. So fuck it. I’m done.

I would like to thank the genius who came up with the brilliance that is 9/11 collector coins for being the very product that pushed me over the edge. I was sitting up consuming various snacks late at night in between some 24 hour coverage of rioting or black Friday shopping or election coverage, I don’t remember.

I do however, have a full grasp on the 9/11 collector coins. Brought to us by “artisan craftsman”. Really? Artisan craftsman? I imagine a frail Italian man with a jewelers loop in a quaint shop putting the fine touches on Bin Laden’s beard. Making sure the apache helicopter, twin towers and flexing Eagle on the other side brings thoughts of freedom, patriotism and revenge.

1 coin is $19.99 yet has a $40 value. They are selling fake money at half the price of its value that people are buying with real money which is also worth less than its actual value.

Who are buying these?

Who are these morons consuming the lies of mindless television, the guy who watches this commercial and sees a grandfather who fought in WWII, a real war with a real enemy and a real purpose, sitting down with his grandson and high fiving over the revenge murder of a terrorist our own government trained.

It comes in a handsome collector sleeve with reenactment photos from the Assault on Bin Laden’s compound. WHO IS THE ASSHOLE RECREATING THIS FOR THE PHOTO OP?

Who are buying these?

It’s the people who believe the news is real. It’s the people who have bought the lie that their attention, their opinion, their patriotism matter and they are the same people enslaved to their couch waiting to be scared by the next boogieman that CNN or Fox News can create for them.

It’s the same people who consume wrestling as sports entertainment.

It’s the same people who vote.

America is that white trash neighbor who lives down the street. He’s single, he drives a foreign car with a spoiler on it and an American model on blocks in his side yard. He’s awful with money and is up to his ears in debt, he’s out of work and really doesn’t contribute to the general good of the neighborhood except when he picks a fight with the middle eastern family a couple streets down because he’s fearful and refuses to do anything about his Mexican neighbor next door because that’s where he gets his weed.

That’s who buying those coins.

America is.

Not in John Tole’s America.

Enjoy your week folks, embrace your loved ones and start working out. The apocalypse is all about cardio and your time is running out.

God Bless.

Seriously ... A wheel chair... Come on ...

2011-08-28T04:51:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting at the Columbus airport, it's 5:05am, I'm in a wheelchair and my ankle can only be described as fucked up. The cops and paramedics were hella cool and Carey mixed a sweet vodka infused vitamin water zero roadie that I'm nursing while we wait to fly. Best part is that we ditched the handle of vodka in the garbage outside only to retrieve it thirty minutes later to make the pain and airport boredom manageable. Lol Up The Punx.

So three songs into our pitboss 2000 reunion set tonight during "blow the ladder" I found a soft spot in the stage and I rolled the ankle. I've rolled this ankle before many times at shows. The last time it was this bad, it was the summer of 97, I was in Detroit watching Machine Head and Corrosion of Conformity and after I sang a Cromags cover with MH I noticed there was a shit head seig Heiling in the front row which is enough of an open invitation for violence so we jumped off the monitor and my left foot found his shoulder and my right foot found his face and I dropped 370 lbs of fat kid on him which knocked him out but I traded an ankle for it.

Maybe that's karma coming back that one song after we did "Driving with your Chin Aka the Ballad of Christopher Reeve" where we lyrically bash the handicapped I hemmed up my ankle.

Everything happens for a reason and I'm enjoying being able to be lazy and sit around buzzed in my wheel chair. Maybe it's a wake up call that my 40 year old ass needs to stick to jokes and leave the young mans game of hardcore to the young dudes. Maybe, except every dude I respect is still doing this in their 30s to 60s and I'm gonna keep it up and enjoy it while it's here.

Columbus hasn't changed, the kids and music hasnt changed my friends haven't changed and I can always count on that.

We used to practice twice a week in a warehouse and we hung out and did shows in 2000, 11 years later, same practice space, same songs, but it didnt feel one bit like 11 years had passed, there's something about being involved that stops the aging process.

I am gonna stay young until I die, why? Because I get to choose to. Everyday, every choice, to not be jaded to accept what is and to no longer resist this universe.

I just wheeled my way through security, I was prodded, wanded and searched for bomb residue and I made the best of the process, what else could I do I'm internally raging on vodka and no sleep.

There was a dude in the handicapped stall in the Mens room.... what an asshole. Can't you see that's for people who need it ;).

For the cripples.... Cause they can't mosh.

Everybody move it!

GG investments Inc

2011-08-17T10:39:00.001-07:00

I'm pretty sure I witnessed a drug deal today or two CIA operatives trading identical Nike bags that were stored under a bus that goes back and forth from RVA to NYC.

That's normal right.... A bus pulls up, the driver gets out , unlocks a compartment , a guy walks up they trade bags and the dude leaves and the guy goes back to being a bus driver.

That's a pretty sweet gig, I've always wanted to get into international crime or pull some capers or hijinx, but I was raised in the suburbs with the fear of hell and prison rape as a deterrent from being a bad ass and now I smuggle punch lines inside of rape jokes and deliver them to drunks and for a second make them feel better or I'm delusional and the stage is really my living therapy.

I'm on a six hour bus ride to NYC and it just started, I want to sleep but I also don't want to get stabbed in the neck by a stranger but then again maybe I do, stranger things have happened.

Two shows in two days in Richmond and I had a blast, got to meet some new folks and party with old friends. We did a show at what used to be the old Twisters, which pitboss 2000 played there in either 98 or 99, mornings changed 13 years later I'm still a 13 year old saying offensive things in the name of underpaid underattended entertainment.

The show was video taped so there is evidence of me ruining the life of another cunty woman who wanted the show to be about her and I gave her what she wanted but also opened her brain up for the crowd to look inside and laugh. I also told the calling Dwight Goodens father the N word story which they were amusingly horrified by and I had to remind them that if they didn't want to hear racist thoughts they should've tried harder to win the civil war.... So that happened.

20 shots of vodka later I'm hurling clear liquid on my new GG vest and ringworm t shirt and being the belligerent philosopher I've always wanted to be.

Life is amazing, I'm head over heels for Carey and full on love sick in a gay as fuck way but I'm cool with it. It's nice to miss someone , it's very raw but it also keeps my head and heart open to experiencing everything this shit pile has to offer and I'm beyond stoked we get to do spots together in Columbus, I just have to stay alive long enough to make it.

Today's a drinking off day, I normally say that on days where I end up shitfaced but I'm on the road and I have no responsibilities other than writing and performing and riding busses and witnessing drug deals.

I'm going to listen to the new Powertrip songs and you should too.

As far as bands go they are right along with Municipal Waste and Overkill on the awesome scale and it's fucking great to know that level of band is in my backyard, go see them with AF at trees in sept you'll be stoked you did.

Mosh!

Pool noodles and the apocalypse

2011-08-01T16:51:00.001-07:00

Last night I participated in a comedy competition in Fort Worth at a small bar that was full of people drinking and laughing on a Sunday , everyone did well and I was fortunate enough to put together a solid 5 of new and old to get the win.

I'm not really big on competitions as far as comedy goes but it's a necessary part of this life so I might as well enjoy the process and considering when I started in 2003 the open mic spots I was getting were after 1amand normally performing to other open micers and mostly chairs. After a while you learn to love the chairs.

I have a new hobby where I see change and embrace the new whatever. Relationships, work, radio, music, my health, my art it's all in a constant state of flux. It's easy to see now how before I was resistant to change and how life would manifest itself into problems and drama because I was fighting what was every step of the way.

Acceptance is at the foundation of our beings and with faith it's nice to sit back and watch life fall into place and the coincidences and simple miracles blink into place.

The ultimate task is being still enough to watch life being created while maintaining an inner vigilance to continue to embrace the decisions with enthusiasm that vibrate at the highest levels.

This only works if I can maintain my suspension of judgement.

And that's where we are today, fully accepting, no longer judging and constantly giving attention to the people I'm fortunate enough to encounter along the way.

Today my "punk ethic" was questioned and the term hippie was thrown my way. I'll gladly take all of it. Sometimes it's nice to know there's more out there paying attention than just the chairs.

Acceptance and attention ... The end

With these two principles at your foundation you can conquer this "world". You can surpass any limitation and co create your reality.

At that point you just have to sit back and enjoy the odd moments, the inside jokes, the belly Laughs that come with living in the middle of a big inside joke.

sometimes it's a duel with pool noodles inside a walmart that gets thwarted because your mind was read by someone who has known you for 1000s of years.

Sometimes it's a late night exorcism and dispatching rabbit sized demons ,( when my book comes out you'll get this story in it's entirety.)

Sometimes it's just a blank white board that says reality at the top of it and what's left are your dreams and intentions.

Sometimes it's chairs with the potential for audience , but that doesn't change the attention or the delivery.

Time to bring the A game to the A game.

Love , attention and acceptance, as it's always been regardless of whether or not I wanted to fully believe or participate , I've spent a lifetime limiting my output and held back by my judgmental definitions and resistance and sometimes you have to believe not only are the chairs not empty and being patiently held for guests who have always been there but waiting for my full attention.

Boner jams 5000

Pool side living

2011-07-09T17:55:00.001-07:00

Gorgeous Saturday here in Dfw I went over to my buddy Danny's condo for their yearly pool get together which meant I sat in the blistering heat, ate some BBQ, and perved on chicks in bikinis who were lounging around the pool while we talked about the future of the radio industry.

I knew I was doing the pool thing but I get weird about being shirtless in public because I'm losing weight in an odd way. It's like I have a smaller middle, smaller legs, and more muscular torso but the sick tragedy that is my gut is still spilling over my belt like a new orleans levee and my side boob fat and live handle meat are quite the spectacle. I'm learning to live with and enjoy my aging changing body, what other choice do I have really.

I could resist my changing Body and life but it was that resistance that led me to a spiraling depression, but no mas mi amigos.

I'm watching my body get thinner, I have more energy, I feel healthy and sure I have a bloated gut like a feed the children Ethiopian with bulging gut to match his bulging eye balls as he starves to death and to be honest I'd trade where I am now for his fate... Just for a chance to die with a big dick.

So after three hours of ball sweating lurking at the pool I made my way over to Garland to the local "Scooters" Pool Hall where I am headlining (going last) I love doing bar shows but I like doing them when the patrons are happy and attending and they want to be there.

As the people come in here, they have to tell the person collecting the money what they are here for.

Darts
Pool
Poker
Beer
Pussy
Comedy

They have managed to figure out that complaining can get past the $5 cover and they will get in for free, sit at the bar and judge the comedy show they refused to pay for, they will groan and be offended as their toothless day light drunk tendencies come to light and give them the nerve to sit and judge for free, some will laugh, some will hate, there will be a barefoot woman showing her boobs, drunk by the dartboard.

But that's all part of this, and that's what comes along with taking bar gigs, it's what comes along with not following the rules with refusing to capitulate to the restrictive rules scared club owners put on comics they can't control.

So I really can't complain as I sit here outside a bar in Garland with the sun out, with a sweaty back and a room full of sad people escaping their lives on a Saturday afternoon. I manifested this very experience and I'm stoked at the opportunity to show up and entertain, to crack the mic open, to crack my brain open and see what comes out. This set could be a train wreck, it could be the new ground zero, it's a great chance to experiment and just flow with the energy the willing and unwilling crowd chooses to give.

Crowds are like the girls pool side not all of them are great and there is no hard and fast rule about who decides who gets to laugh or wear a bikini and either way whether it's comedy or the pool, I'll have my shirt on, sucking in my gut and trying to see boobs.

Not guilty of living

2011-07-05T14:30:00.001-07:00

Well the world, or atleast the stay at home parents and chronically unemployed sat in rapt attention watching the Casey Anthony verdicts come down today.

What I wanted to see was the camera tight on Nancy Grace's brutal mug as she scrambled and screamed at producers that their blood soaked hands were not going to be able to wring in vengeance that they had to run for plan B which was the hand wringing for baby Caylee.

Casey Anthony may or may not have killed her daughter but she and the media were complicit in creating a circus of attention to keep the world distracted on her while it falls apart around us.

This country celebrated a birthday yesterday and the rednecks and patriotic losers who find their egos bolstered by the flag waving and false pride are quick to care about this media circus while our country is 27th in worldwide education, leading in childhood obesity, failing school systems, crumbling infrastructure, two losing wars on terror, a lost war on drugs and a nation who votes more for singing and dancing contests than on actual elections.

It's the same distraction brought on by Anthony Weiner sending dick pics, it's the same distraction brought on by social networking and the international one sided conversation happening on twitter.

Btw @johntole

My jokes from today:

One thing we learned about the OJ and Casey Anthony trials ... Women are shitty lawyers.

The one difference between the OJ and Casey Anthony trial... I don't hate hot white chicks.

Am I the only one trying to cum at the same time as the verdict?

How long until Casey Anthony is convicted for stealing back her memorabilia ? ( written 21 mins before one of Letterman's writers tweeter the same joke)

Basically the lesson here... Turn off your tv, your computer, your phone, do it now, go outside an live your life, get active get moving and create a life worth living, no one is going to lie on their death bed and wish there was more court tv to watch, more opinions from that Louie Anderson clone Nancy Grace or that Darth Vader helmeted weirdo Jane Velez Mitchell while they blather on killing your brain cells while they talk about people in cells while they keep the brain of America captive.

Those two bitches and Dr. Drew actually had the nerve to condemn Casey Anthony for possibly profiting from this case.........

Are you fucking kidding me...

Apparently as far as people profiting from this case they hate the competition.

RIP Caylee and RIP the collective intelligence and conscience of the part of America trained like monkeys to pick up this shit being shoveled to them.

"Go outside and play"

Signed
All of our parents

Major appliance minor disturbance

2011-07-02T11:52:00.001-07:00

Nothing says Fourth of July weekend like being surrounded by crying children and angry people in a laundramat excuse me lavanderia.

Nothing says celebrating this great nation like abject poverty, high crime, $4 gas, no healthcare, 2 wars, 27th in education the nations attention on a chick with big tits making a mockery and spectacle out of the chance at life she was given and the Mexican tv has their version because entertaining the crying children in the play area with broken toys, are more broken toys in bikinis shaking their asses in front of American flags at a Mexican beach resort.

I can't imagine thinking of the effort and hard luck stories the people here could tell about coyotes, death and violence so they could come to this country and be collected into poor areas and then entertained by girls in USA bikinis dancing back home in Mexico.

Maybe the key to happiness is abs. The girls on the tv appear to having the time of their lives, they are unaware they are helping mold young minds of ignored children forced to spend a Saturday alone while their parents yell at people on their cell phones only to stop and tell the kids to stop crying.

My wardrobe has moved from xxxl to xl and I was concerned I had no clothes but thank you to icon screen printing and sullysbrand hooking me up big time I'm now able to revamp my look which in my 40 years has not changed.

20 t shirts , 20 undershirts, 20 pair of underwear , 10 socks and 3 pairs of shorts.

Keep it simple , that's the key to life.

I had to break to politely decline a washer to washer salesman selling jewelry and bootleg Perfume kits and while I appreciated his thought I might have a significant other to want to buy perfume for and that the kind of women who would be interested in me due to my present location and state of public laundering might be interested in his booty ass cologne but his technique and English was lacking and he just politely lifted the items into my view like the juggling chiclet kids on the bridge that smells like piss on the way to tj who I always buy from because that's because I enjoy a good show.

Sure as a traveling comedian white guy who gets to see the world and explore his mind, creation and experience all that life has to give while I entertain has to spend some time in sketchy neighborhoods next to combo pizza hut/cell phone/ laundromats. But that just keeps me grounded while I finish typing this at my Starbucks home office and I can tell you I'm light years from my married life where I was living in a four bedroom house with my own washer and dryer and I still had to do my laundry and without a doubt I was still yelling into my cellphone and watching sluts shake their ass on telemundo.

And thats why I dont have kids, I'm a horrible immature role model.

And sex isn't really an option at this point.

More on that later.

Here are some quick zingers, enjoy DONT WATCH AT WORK !

2011-06-30T22:55:00.001-07:00

The sounds of salesmen

2011-06-30T16:08:00.001-07:00

Its coming up on almost a year since I left... Was asked to leave corporate America. Nothing was more soul crushing than having to scramble out of bed to sit in a sterile cubicle environment in dress slacks and some Ill fitting button up shirt waiting for some uptight douche be offended because a half inch of tattoo would creep out of my sleeve. Combine that with boredom and unlimited snacks brought in for who ever the fucks birthday it was it was no wonder even after a successful gastric bypass surgery I was eating my way back to 400.

The meetings, the bullet points, the action items, the calling in sick to work, the showing up late, the leaving early, the walking around looking busy only to hide in the shitter and text my friends while I got paid.... I don't miss any of it.

What I miss is the six figure income and the guaranteed paycheck where as now it's all About the grind, the hustle, and the constant juggling of tasks.

Everyday I'm a comedian, radio guy, writer, editor, Booker, manager, agent, shipping, customer service, designer, videographer and blogger.

My day is full top to bottom which is amazing but I'm starting to run into that wall where some projects that I'm working on with the hope of future earnings are panning out to be money losers or time Wasters or money makers for everyone else involved.

It's an eye opening part of the entertainment industry because there is no shortage of untalented people who will gladly work for free just for the opportunity to feed their egos and the business owners only care about their bottom-line and not their product and they are more than happy to fuck over anyone who will let them.

Just like corporate America is there to suck the life force out of anyone who will gladly trade their energy for guarantees and healthcare.

Today was the perfect combination of passion and purpose and a few really bright lights were turned on and I'm beyond stoked on what's coming next.

This weeks booking efforts has landed:

The Addison improv 7/21 to 7/24 plus a special late show on 7/23 with Justin Foster.

8/13 headlining the Addison improv late show and it will sell out.

8/15-8/19 Richmond Virginia and NYC with Blake Midgette and Jake Flores.

And some great potential opportunities in the works for the fall and one big one that might be a game changer.

Stay tuned and remember tomorrow is casual Friday so that means tomorrow at Starbucks I'll be free balling it.

You can still rock in America

2011-06-29T00:41:00.001-07:00

Breathing is life and it's the ever changing exchange of the life force coming into your body. Trends will come and go as surely as your chest will rise and fall with each breath and when you reach your limit and check out you will realize there is no death and no reason to be anxious about what is.

I was meditating and focusing on my breath today, off in the blackness of my closed eyes colors and images started taking shape and when I turned my attention on making it out and digging for relevance it was gone.

Don't we love those experiences that rock our foundations be it an encounter with a fellow traveller or the shattering ego death that can accompany heavier drug trips, I think of the experiences that I've had, phenomenon witnessed, transformations and miracles, coincidence, fate and sometimes I find it hard to focus when someone is telling me about a funny reality show or something they read on twitter and I want to scream about the wasted breath and that their time in this existence is short and to take a hold of life and actually live and that there are absolutely no life changing relevant things on twitter.

Btw @johntole

Anyways, it's a bit frustrating to know I have people close to me who can't get there, to watch them struggle, to watch them wonder what's wrong, to dream and never do but it strengthens my resolve to keep sharing no matter how off my rocker they think I am.

TV, the Internet, movies, social networking, the 24 hour cable news cycles are all traps. They exist to trap you into the life of reaction, the life of judgement, a deep sleep where you wake up on your death bed and beg for more meaningful moments with your family that you ignored while Hollywood and Madison avenue filled hour mind with drivel and the need to buy ultimately worthless possessions out of boredom.

I've been without tv since march and have also been on a news fast. If something major happens there are no shortage of folks who will tell me, but even now 120+ days into my news fast it has not impacted my life in a negative way, in fact quite the opposite, I have time to put positive energy into positive endeavors where as news is a constant cycle of fear mongering and hand wringing while middle America takes one right up the middle while corporations profit.

Poverty, famine, war, terrorism, corruption, lies, politics which create and encompass all of it will always be and with the removal of it from my world view I have seen some marked improvement in my productivity and over all well being.

The laughing baby is the new water skiing squirrel.

Tell me when the squirrel starts laughing I'll tune back in, otherwise you'll catch me twice a week at adrift float spas here in dallas off of Preston and Northwest highway enjoying the sensory deprivation of their amazing floatation rooms.

If you enjoy relaxation, meditation, if you would like to experience zero gravity and discover the power and soothing presence of your breath, I suggest you head on down.

That's where I was today right in the middle of my first 36 hours in dallas, between 2 of the 4 sets I've done, after my radio show ( Health, Wealth and Happiness on 1190am Dfw Monday through Friday 11 to noon) and before a kick ass yoga class at American power yoga, I was floating, I was breathing and for a brief second I caught a glimpse of eternity and it was Laughing on water skis.

Today's set list:
Period joke
Psychology
Marriage is like homelessness
Online dating
Garage sales
Used excercise equipment
Hot lava monster
School programs

Huge thank you to everyone who took time to check out the UYH Records Web Store at

http://useyourheadrecords.bigcartel.com/

Stand up stand by bystander

2011-06-27T09:10:00.001-07:00

There's something about the airport that releases my inner pervert. I find myself constantly scoping out travellers and stewardesses consuming them as objects. Even as a kid I was drawn to the hot blonde who would pass out extra peanuts and wings if you were a good flyer and if you were really good, a chance to meet the pilot and see the cockpit. (cock pit... See even now I
In post 9/11 America you can't make any jokes about travel at the airport and everyone is hyper vigilant which impacts me because now I have to be extra sly while I'm scoping out the Bevvy of Air whores flitting about the terminal.

And I know they're not whores, it's just an over simplification of a stereotype perpetuated by 80s porn where all you needed was the right crew and a locked lavatory and cue the music "bom chicka wah wah" you're were flying to the island of fuck town.

But it's not real, none of this is real, the reality is that I'm flying stand by and I'm bored out of my skull, sure I could strike up a conversation with a stranger but I can only imagine how just my very look elevates the terror level to magenta or delta niner or whatever false flag scare tactic they are using to scare and titillate bored Americans to keep them consuming and moving.

I used to get excited about flying, when I was a kid I would lay in bed, not sleeping one bit because I was so excited to fly and now I stay up all night because I'll sleep through any and every alarm, miss my flight and screw up work which is the reason I'm flying in the first place. Now I'm so tired when I reach the terminal, I'm too exhausted to be mad that I'm perceived as an enemy of the state and poked and prodded by underpaid under educated agents of the state. I'm too exhausted to flinch when the gate agent comes off as cunty and I wanna pull her colonel sanders bow tie in a noose like Rambo escaping from a prison camp. I'm hoping to get in my seat and wake up at my destination and sleep walk through the next destination so the reality of my dream coming true doesn't implode my brain.

When I was a kid I said, all I want is a job where I get to travel where I don't have responsibilities and I get to see and do things the rank and file don't.

Looking back I probably would've nudged young me and said, throw in money, health insurance, and a rich absentee wife who will let you roam the globe while she works hard running your strip club/batting cage/golf course/ bubble hockey emporium.

But for all this complaining I'm accepting of my current situation.

I'm flying stand by waiting to be called to the podium, my career seems to be on the same path, just waiting for the next big jump but in the mean time groggily watching the hours click by, objectifying flight attendants and hoping one just one hot blonde one will give me extra snacks and cue the music.

Believe and you will achieve.

Tonight I'll be back to the grind, back to the drawing board, back to basics, back on the streets again, spreading the disease.

Reality on the real for real caught on a reel

2011-06-25T05:22:00.001-07:00

1 am Saturday morning caps off a surreal day. Got up at 6:15 am 5 mins later I'm in a cab heading towards the 7 train and by 7am I'm sitting on the Jay Thomas Show on Howard 101.

After handling Casey anthonys future innocent verdict we finish with chyna's oversized clit and she hears the conversation and refuses to come on air with us. All in all awesome, I got some jokes on air and some gems for ira.

The morning was completed with a piece of chicken perfected by Lisa G with Jason Kaplan's new barrage of bacon flavored rubs and a ride down to the lobby with Opie and Anthony who were cool as fuck.

Scott the engineer, Shuli and I with Dan from Howard tv rode to Ronnie's house where we filmed some more and the jumped in Ronnie's truck for the 4+ hour ride to PA.

Howard tv was running two cameras in Ronnie's truck it's odd to figure out the fine line of reality performance while acting natural when my natural inclination is to play straight to the cameras, I'm almost better suited for segment producing / writing than being filmed but I'm sure over time it'll be a new challenge to tackle.

The traffic was shitty of course because that's just manhattan on a Friday and the running traffic commentary from Ronnie and Scott was hysterical to watch, I wonder at what point of aging does traffic become an interesting point of discussion, I'm sure that's why bad radio keeps traffic and weather together on the tens to keep focused on the inane.

The show in Chambersburg PA was great and the fans were very nice and enjoyed the access they got from the cast members. Shuli crushed, Yucko did well and was able to limit the n word to under five.

The highlight has to be Scott's hype man dancing intro which you'll be able to check out on Howard tv next week and I'm sure they'll discuss it Monday because it was gold.

Wolfie was on hand to do post show interviews and find some fan reaction but I think the presence of the h tv cameras made the fans be more polite.

It's 7am now saturday morning I finally got six hours of sleep and there's not a single bit of hangover which is great because I haven't had a few pops since February and the 11 vodka cranberries I downed along with fan party favors were the perfect cap off to an odd week that featured LA with Sal and Richard a drive from LA to TX and a flight from TX to NYC.

Enough "reality" and now back to reality which will involve some heavy duty cardio , yoga and back to the better choice section of Lifes menu. This is the first "cheat" day I've had in 90 days and I'm not sure I'm a fan of the concept, I get the calorie loading / metabolism aspect of it it's just odd to say " yeah I'll have candy" because it's a cheat day, but I guess moving from sugar addict to having sugar and feeling odd about it can only be described as progress.

And to quote my favorite philosophical lyricist Greg Graffin.

"And progress is a message that we send.
One step closer to the future, one inch closer to the end. I say
That progress is a synonym of time.
We are all aware of it but it's nothing we refine,
And progress is a debt we all must pay.
Its convenience we all cherish, its pollution we disdain
And the cutting edge is dulling,
Too many folks to plow through.
Just keep your fucking distance
And it can't include you."

So ultimately in the grand scheme there is no progress because there is no "better" to "improve" from the previous "worse" taken deeper because there is no previous and the notions of "before, better, worse, progress and regression" are egoic illusions, my own Statler and Waldorf sitting in the balcony of my mind going on and on to each other and the only way to exist is to turn off their mics and just be.

The 45 hours of footage shot covering 8 hours of life will be documented and edited into a 30 minute package to be consumed and judged by the public a nation full of Statler and Waldorfs and I'm sure if my odd assholish nature came out it'll be there as another reminder that in the end the only reality is the space in between breaths where no thoughts dwell.

Judgement has it's own platform spread over television, cable "news" and the landscape of social media and the key to unlocking the door of that trap is a simple clicking off of attention and back to "reality".

Contemplating returning to New Mexico I've got some unfinished business there and I'd like to plug in further to that feeling of community and acceptance In the middle of nowhere where real progress is made repairing the foundations of others lives one smile at a time.

Click.

I'm in a tricked out Denali listening to Sirius now with Ronnie, Scott, Shuli and Dan from Howard tv and I learned something great, be it a limo driver, a reporter a camera man, an engineer and a dick joke enthusiast / stand up philosopher.....

Everyone loves the Ramones.

No Miserable Men Here

2011-06-23T22:44:00.001-07:00

It's after midnite, I've had one hour of sleep in the past 39 hours and I'm starting to feel it.

Maybe it's the soundtrack of our ride home where Lenny from Long Island has Shuli and I rocking out to Fleetwood Mac and select tracks from Disney's Fantasia or perhaps its his shrine to gargoyles glued to his dash and the drugs but I'm half expecting Rick Moranis to appear and ask if I'm the gate keeper.

After some consideration you gotta give it up to Lindsey Buckingham for fucking Stevie bad enough to rule on these jams.

Read that paragraph again I went to college.

I was thinking back to my school days and my various cheating schemes that allowed me to graduate from high school and college, but that's what happens when you fail to identify evil genius and force him to learn about things that don't matter.

But every semester was the new beginning, I had a new folder, pens, alien shaped erasers and the promise I was not going to let it happen again.

It's almost a mirror to relationships, always the greatest of intentions but after a month my folder is covered with graffiti and metal band logos because that's metal 101 and from memory I can crank out perfect maiden, priest, slayer and anthrax lettering. My folder is shot because I lost interest and stopped showing up mentally and somehow failed to learn the one formula that all math us based on and I will forever have to do long division by hand using that symbol thats shaped like a stick figures machine gun and you try to get back on track you do extra credit and kiss extra ass and when all else fails .... Cheat.

Stevie was cheated on like my failed education which was replaced with metal knowledge so I understand why Lenny has a gargoyle shrine on his dashboard because that's what defines him at a deeper level the same reason I carry around rosary beads, prayer coins and a warzone button Raybeez gave me (RIP).

It's what powers our aura and as the traffic moves forward one of Lennys Christmas ornaments swings and hits my face, and that makes sense , I'm in a car coming home from a small comedy show where we did well despite the situation , Fleetwood Mac is jamming and we are all next level and life is exactly where it needs to be. No stress, no worries and every day really is Christmas and at my foundation of reality is acceptance and the reminder, " don't forget the struggle, don't forget the streets." "where's the harmony?"

Everywhere man everywhere.

Gargoyles as far as statues go are on the same level of Samurai sword awesome, which reminds me I'll rock out with some Maiden Japan later.

Up the Irons.

Ronnie's Block Party tomorrow and Jay Thomas on Howard 101 at 7am EST.

Wolves yo!

2011-06-23T04:58:00.001-07:00

Yesterday started at 8am I woke up in Candy Kitchen, NM population like 39 or something smallish. The night prior I had spent three hours with a wise man discussing the universe, philosophy, purpose, acceptance and how all religions tell the same story.

Jump back three days earlier I was driving from norcal to LA to host the Sal and Richard show at the Avalon. On my way down I got some texts from a friend who had met this same man and said that the experience was so deep he couldn't put it into words. That's all I needed to hear and drove Monday night and all day Tuesday to get from Cali to New Mexico.

One of the best parts of being an experience junkie is finding myself in odd situations and in this case after the meeting with the wise man I was standing outside a cabin that was given to me for free and listening to the coyotes out howl the wolves from the near by wolf sanctuary. The stars were thick and very bright and with zero light pollution I knew I was home.

Perfect.

Unexpected yet not at all surprising given the last three months of my life where the universe works non stop to Create this playground.

So at 8am I was back in the car to chew up some more miles and 13 hours and 1457 calories later I pulled into mockingbird station in dallas for the open mic.

Nothing changes and it was great to see the comics trade insults and watch the audience walk after 4 guys ate shit sandwiches. I have six weeks of backlogged material to grind through plus whatever I write this weekend but that wolf sanctuary is calling to me louder than another week of standing around listening to people bitch about not getting booked, not being respected, and not improving. My new stuff worked better than I thought and I can't wait to do it tonight at the show with Shuli, Bocchetti and Maddog.

I left the open mic and pulled an all nighter doing eBay and my web store and answering emails and reconnecting with the world and now I'm waiting on the next call, the call being row 21 where I'll be jammed into an exit row on my way to NY.

HeyNow!!!!

I'll send details from Ronnie's Block Party and to quote Yucko The Clown's text from earlier today, " three hours in a car with Scott and Ronnie, he'd rather carpool with Ryan Dunn."

Not bad considering it was topical and free of the "N" word.

My love handles are jammed into this seat and we have a layover in Houston I've been awake for 24 hours through two big ass states, six minutes of dick jokes And enough beef jerky to ensure my shit now comes out like star shaped play dough but for real though.

Wolves man! Fucking wolves!!!!

Talk to you later this bitch -------------> keeps reading my screen.

Sent from my iPhone

Arizona 6/21/11

2011-06-21T15:50:00.001-07:00

Monday night at Hennessey's in Laguna Beach it felt like home again. The crowd was energetic and it was great to share the "fountain" with Dallas Favorite's Justin Foster and Raj Sharma. Last nights gig didn't have a stage however there was a one foot fountain we were able to perform from. It's just a continuing string of odd events that have been following me since I took off from Dallas in March.

To borrow the reverse of Gary's line my career is at a two but my life is at a "noine". I woke this morning after crashing in the sweltering desert heat of Lake Havasu, nothing like your maintenance light coming on at 1am in the middle of nowhere and it would be even easier to freak out over the possibility of disaster but I'd much rather enjoy the break and free coffee at the dealership. This is my fifth oil change this year and today I can add Arizona to Texas, Louisiana, Pennsylvania and California to my dealership list. The folks always tell me it must be exciting to travel the country and see everything and get away from their customer service desk, endless barrage of Toyota marketing and their eyeball strain wasted on the one unattainable hot chick each dealer employs. I don't have the heart to tell them that their lives and experiences have been replicated and even though the natural terrain changes the people have started to become as plastic and sterile as the unchanging Starbucks, Ihop, 24 Hour Fitness and every other corporatized entity that sells the same bland experience, but at least here the coffee is free.

Today is all about grinding some miles away to meet a stranger in the desert and discuss all things existence, universe and consciousness.

It's good to escape the fame trap of LA and my trip to CA was highlighted by my 40th birthday with my family and dancing and putting on shows for my six month old nephew. I know he only laughs as a reaction to energy but thats the lesson to learn in this whole life. He enjoys the socially conscious backseat musicals starring Seth the Elephant, Chauncey the Giraffe and Asian Horse , I probably should video next time.

I turned 40, The Sox are in first, the bruins won the Stanley Cup, I've dropped 40 lbs, found the cure to depression, the fountain of youth and got my first Howard Stern mention while on a three month roadie that took me from TX to NY to TX to LA to SF and all points in between and even though Foreigner's "Urgent" is playing there's ultimately no emergencies in a universe that doesn't make mistakes.

I've pealed back the curtain on reality and there are times I wish I hadn't but in a universe that doesn't make mistakes I need to stay on top of the now and guide as needed. The hot chick at the dealership has added me to her pay no mind list and has gone back to complaining how her man doesn't pay enough attention to her and that my friends is life at the dealership, where people go because they have to not because they want to but at least the coffee is free and the 80s station is pumping out the hits and the Cars are reminding me I've got "just what I needed". Free coffee, a nice break and the sweet jams from The Outfield.

Sent from my iPhone

The Home of John Tole's America

2010-12-09T16:45:00.000-08:00

Coming soon to your mind...John Tole's America