Saturday, July 9, 2011

Pool side living

Gorgeous Saturday here in Dfw I went over to my buddy Danny's condo for their yearly pool get together which meant I sat in the blistering heat, ate some BBQ, and perved on chicks in bikinis who were lounging around the pool while we talked about the future of the radio industry.

I knew I was doing the pool thing but I get weird about being shirtless in public because I'm losing weight in an odd way. It's like I have a smaller middle, smaller legs, and more muscular torso but the sick tragedy that is my gut is still spilling over my belt like a new orleans levee and my side boob fat and live handle meat are quite the spectacle. I'm learning to live with and enjoy my aging changing body, what other choice do I have really.

I could resist my changing Body and life but it was that resistance that led me to a spiraling depression, but no mas mi amigos.

I'm watching my body get thinner, I have more energy, I feel healthy and sure I have a bloated gut like a feed the children Ethiopian with bulging gut to match his bulging eye balls as he starves to death and to be honest I'd trade where I am now for his fate... Just for a chance to die with a big dick.

So after three hours of ball sweating lurking at the pool I made my way over to Garland to the local "Scooters" Pool Hall where I am headlining (going last) I love doing bar shows but I like doing them when the patrons are happy and attending and they want to be there.

As the people come in here, they have to tell the person collecting the money what they are here for.


They have managed to figure out that complaining can get past the $5 cover and they will get in for free, sit at the bar and judge the comedy show they refused to pay for, they will groan and be offended as their toothless day light drunk tendencies come to light and give them the nerve to sit and judge for free, some will laugh, some will hate, there will be a barefoot woman showing her boobs, drunk by the dartboard.

But that's all part of this, and that's what comes along with taking bar gigs, it's what comes along with not following the rules with refusing to capitulate to the restrictive rules scared club owners put on comics they can't control.

So I really can't complain as I sit here outside a bar in Garland with the sun out, with a sweaty back and a room full of sad people escaping their lives on a Saturday afternoon. I manifested this very experience and I'm stoked at the opportunity to show up and entertain, to crack the mic open, to crack my brain open and see what comes out. This set could be a train wreck, it could be the new ground zero, it's a great chance to experiment and just flow with the energy the willing and unwilling crowd chooses to give.

Crowds are like the girls pool side not all of them are great and there is no hard and fast rule about who decides who gets to laugh or wear a bikini and either way whether it's comedy or the pool, I'll have my shirt on, sucking in my gut and trying to see boobs.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Not guilty of living

Well the world, or atleast the stay at home parents and chronically unemployed sat in rapt attention watching the Casey Anthony verdicts come down today.

What I wanted to see was the camera tight on Nancy Grace's brutal mug as she scrambled and screamed at producers that their blood soaked hands were not going to be able to wring in vengeance that they had to run for plan B which was the hand wringing for baby Caylee.

Casey Anthony may or may not have killed her daughter but she and the media were complicit in creating a circus of attention to keep the world distracted on her while it falls apart around us.

This country celebrated a birthday yesterday and the rednecks and patriotic losers who find their egos bolstered by the flag waving and false pride are quick to care about this media circus while our country is 27th in worldwide education, leading in childhood obesity, failing school systems, crumbling infrastructure, two losing wars on terror, a lost war on drugs and a nation who votes more for singing and dancing contests than on actual elections.

It's the same distraction brought on by Anthony Weiner sending dick pics, it's the same distraction brought on by social networking and the international one sided conversation happening on twitter.

Btw @johntole

My jokes from today:

One thing we learned about the OJ and Casey Anthony trials ... Women are shitty lawyers.

The one difference between the OJ and Casey Anthony trial... I don't hate hot white chicks.

Am I the only one trying to cum at the same time as the verdict?

How long until Casey Anthony is convicted for stealing back her memorabilia ? ( written 21 mins before one of Letterman's writers tweeter the same joke)

Basically the lesson here... Turn off your tv, your computer, your phone, do it now, go outside an live your life, get active get moving and create a life worth living, no one is going to lie on their death bed and wish there was more court tv to watch, more opinions from that Louie Anderson clone Nancy Grace or that Darth Vader helmeted weirdo Jane Velez Mitchell while they blather on killing your brain cells while they talk about people in cells while they keep the brain of America captive.

Those two bitches and Dr. Drew actually had the nerve to condemn Casey Anthony for possibly profiting from this case.........

Are you fucking kidding me...

Apparently as far as people profiting from this case they hate the competition.

RIP Caylee and RIP the collective intelligence and conscience of the part of America trained like monkeys to pick up this shit being shoveled to them.

"Go outside and play"

All of our parents

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Major appliance minor disturbance

Nothing says Fourth of July weekend like being surrounded by crying children and angry people in a laundramat excuse me lavanderia.

Nothing says celebrating this great nation like abject poverty, high crime, $4 gas, no healthcare, 2 wars, 27th in education the nations attention on a chick with big tits making a mockery and spectacle out of the chance at life she was given and the Mexican tv has their version because entertaining the crying children in the play area with broken toys, are more broken toys in bikinis shaking their asses in front of American flags at a Mexican beach resort.

I can't imagine thinking of the effort and hard luck stories the people here could tell about coyotes, death and violence so they could come to this country and be collected into poor areas and then entertained by girls in USA bikinis dancing back home in Mexico.

Maybe the key to happiness is abs. The girls on the tv appear to having the time of their lives, they are unaware they are helping mold young minds of ignored children forced to spend a Saturday alone while their parents yell at people on their cell phones only to stop and tell the kids to stop crying.

My wardrobe has moved from xxxl to xl and I was concerned I had no clothes but thank you to icon screen printing and sullysbrand hooking me up big time I'm now able to revamp my look which in my 40 years has not changed.

20 t shirts , 20 undershirts, 20 pair of underwear , 10 socks and 3 pairs of shorts.

Keep it simple , that's the key to life.

I had to break to politely decline a washer to washer salesman selling jewelry and bootleg Perfume kits and while I appreciated his thought I might have a significant other to want to buy perfume for and that the kind of women who would be interested in me due to my present location and state of public laundering might be interested in his booty ass cologne but his technique and English was lacking and he just politely lifted the items into my view like the juggling chiclet kids on the bridge that smells like piss on the way to tj who I always buy from because that's because I enjoy a good show.

Sure as a traveling comedian white guy who gets to see the world and explore his mind, creation and experience all that life has to give while I entertain has to spend some time in sketchy neighborhoods next to combo pizza hut/cell phone/ laundromats. But that just keeps me grounded while I finish typing this at my Starbucks home office and I can tell you I'm light years from my married life where I was living in a four bedroom house with my own washer and dryer and I still had to do my laundry and without a doubt I was still yelling into my cellphone and watching sluts shake their ass on telemundo.

And thats why I dont have kids, I'm a horrible immature role model.

And sex isn't really an option at this point.

More on that later.