Thursday, June 30, 2011

Here are some quick zingers, enjoy DONT WATCH AT WORK !

The sounds of salesmen

Its coming up on almost a year since I left... Was asked to leave corporate America. Nothing was more soul crushing than having to scramble out of bed to sit in a sterile cubicle environment in dress slacks and some Ill fitting button up shirt waiting for some uptight douche be offended because a half inch of tattoo would creep out of my sleeve. Combine that with boredom and unlimited snacks brought in for who ever the fucks birthday it was it was no wonder even after a successful gastric bypass surgery I was eating my way back to 400.

The meetings, the bullet points, the action items, the calling in sick to work, the showing up late, the leaving early, the walking around looking busy only to hide in the shitter and text my friends while I got paid.... I don't miss any of it.

What I miss is the six figure income and the guaranteed paycheck where as now it's all About the grind, the hustle, and the constant juggling of tasks.

Everyday I'm a comedian, radio guy, writer, editor, Booker, manager, agent, shipping, customer service, designer, videographer and blogger.

My day is full top to bottom which is amazing but I'm starting to run into that wall where some projects that I'm working on with the hope of future earnings are panning out to be money losers or time Wasters or money makers for everyone else involved.

It's an eye opening part of the entertainment industry because there is no shortage of untalented people who will gladly work for free just for the opportunity to feed their egos and the business owners only care about their bottom-line and not their product and they are more than happy to fuck over anyone who will let them.

Just like corporate America is there to suck the life force out of anyone who will gladly trade their energy for guarantees and healthcare.

Today was the perfect combination of passion and purpose and a few really bright lights were turned on and I'm beyond stoked on what's coming next.

This weeks booking efforts has landed:

The Addison improv 7/21 to 7/24 plus a special late show on 7/23 with Justin Foster.

8/13 headlining the Addison improv late show and it will sell out.

8/15-8/19 Richmond Virginia and NYC with Blake Midgette and Jake Flores.

And some great potential opportunities in the works for the fall and one big one that might be a game changer.

Stay tuned and remember tomorrow is casual Friday so that means tomorrow at Starbucks I'll be free balling it.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

You can still rock in America

Breathing is life and it's the ever changing exchange of the life force coming into your body. Trends will come and go as surely as your chest will rise and fall with each breath and when you reach your limit and check out you will realize there is no death and no reason to be anxious about what is.

I was meditating and focusing on my breath today, off in the blackness of my closed eyes colors and images started taking shape and when I turned my attention on making it out and digging for relevance it was gone.

Don't we love those experiences that rock our foundations be it an encounter with a fellow traveller or the shattering ego death that can accompany heavier drug trips, I think of the experiences that I've had, phenomenon witnessed, transformations and miracles, coincidence, fate and sometimes I find it hard to focus when someone is telling me about a funny reality show or something they read on twitter and I want to scream about the wasted breath and that their time in this existence is short and to take a hold of life and actually live and that there are absolutely no life changing relevant things on twitter.

Btw @johntole

Anyways, it's a bit frustrating to know I have people close to me who can't get there, to watch them struggle, to watch them wonder what's wrong, to dream and never do but it strengthens my resolve to keep sharing no matter how off my rocker they think I am.

TV, the Internet, movies, social networking, the 24 hour cable news cycles are all traps. They exist to trap you into the life of reaction, the life of judgement, a deep sleep where you wake up on your death bed and beg for more meaningful moments with your family that you ignored while Hollywood and Madison avenue filled hour mind with drivel and the need to buy ultimately worthless possessions out of boredom.

I've been without tv since march and have also been on a news fast. If something major happens there are no shortage of folks who will tell me, but even now 120+ days into my news fast it has not impacted my life in a negative way, in fact quite the opposite, I have time to put positive energy into positive endeavors where as news is a constant cycle of fear mongering and hand wringing while middle America takes one right up the middle while corporations profit.

Poverty, famine, war, terrorism, corruption, lies, politics which create and encompass all of it will always be and with the removal of it from my world view I have seen some marked improvement in my productivity and over all well being.

The laughing baby is the new water skiing squirrel.

Tell me when the squirrel starts laughing I'll tune back in, otherwise you'll catch me twice a week at adrift float spas here in dallas off of Preston and Northwest highway enjoying the sensory deprivation of their amazing floatation rooms.

If you enjoy relaxation, meditation, if you would like to experience zero gravity and discover the power and soothing presence of your breath, I suggest you head on down.

That's where I was today right in the middle of my first 36 hours in dallas, between 2 of the 4 sets I've done, after my radio show ( Health, Wealth and Happiness on 1190am Dfw Monday through Friday 11 to noon) and before a kick ass yoga class at American power yoga, I was floating, I was breathing and for a brief second I caught a glimpse of eternity and it was Laughing on water skis.

Today's set list:
Period joke
Marriage is like homelessness
Online dating
Garage sales
Used excercise equipment
Hot lava monster
School programs

Huge thank you to everyone who took time to check out the UYH Records Web Store at

Monday, June 27, 2011

Stand up stand by bystander

There's something about the airport that releases my inner pervert. I find myself constantly scoping out travellers and stewardesses consuming them as objects. Even as a kid I was drawn to the hot blonde who would pass out extra peanuts and wings if you were a good flyer and if you were really good, a chance to meet the pilot and see the cockpit. (cock pit... See even now I
In post 9/11 America you can't make any jokes about travel at the airport and everyone is hyper vigilant which impacts me because now I have to be extra sly while I'm scoping out the Bevvy of Air whores flitting about the terminal.

And I know they're not whores, it's just an over simplification of a stereotype perpetuated by 80s porn where all you needed was the right crew and a locked lavatory and cue the music "bom chicka wah wah" you're were flying to the island of fuck town.

But it's not real, none of this is real, the reality is that I'm flying stand by and I'm bored out of my skull, sure I could strike up a conversation with a stranger but I can only imagine how just my very look elevates the terror level to magenta or delta niner or whatever false flag scare tactic they are using to scare and titillate bored Americans to keep them consuming and moving.

I used to get excited about flying, when I was a kid I would lay in bed, not sleeping one bit because I was so excited to fly and now I stay up all night because I'll sleep through any and every alarm, miss my flight and screw up work which is the reason I'm flying in the first place. Now I'm so tired when I reach the terminal, I'm too exhausted to be mad that I'm perceived as an enemy of the state and poked and prodded by underpaid under educated agents of the state. I'm too exhausted to flinch when the gate agent comes off as cunty and I wanna pull her colonel sanders bow tie in a noose like Rambo escaping from a prison camp. I'm hoping to get in my seat and wake up at my destination and sleep walk through the next destination so the reality of my dream coming true doesn't implode my brain.

When I was a kid I said, all I want is a job where I get to travel where I don't have responsibilities and I get to see and do things the rank and file don't.

Looking back I probably would've nudged young me and said, throw in money, health insurance, and a rich absentee wife who will let you roam the globe while she works hard running your strip club/batting cage/golf course/ bubble hockey emporium.

But for all this complaining I'm accepting of my current situation.

I'm flying stand by waiting to be called to the podium, my career seems to be on the same path, just waiting for the next big jump but in the mean time groggily watching the hours click by, objectifying flight attendants and hoping one just one hot blonde one will give me extra snacks and cue the music.

Believe and you will achieve.

Tonight I'll be back to the grind, back to the drawing board, back to basics, back on the streets again, spreading the disease.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Reality on the real for real caught on a reel

1 am Saturday morning caps off a surreal day. Got up at 6:15 am 5 mins later I'm in a cab heading towards the 7 train and by 7am I'm sitting on the Jay Thomas Show on Howard 101.

After handling Casey anthonys future innocent verdict we finish with chyna's oversized clit and she hears the conversation and refuses to come on air with us. All in all awesome, I got some jokes on air and some gems for ira.

The morning was completed with a piece of chicken perfected by Lisa G with Jason Kaplan's new barrage of bacon flavored rubs and a ride down to the lobby with Opie and Anthony who were cool as fuck.

Scott the engineer, Shuli and I with Dan from Howard tv rode to Ronnie's house where we filmed some more and the jumped in Ronnie's truck for the 4+ hour ride to PA.

Howard tv was running two cameras in Ronnie's truck it's odd to figure out the fine line of reality performance while acting natural when my natural inclination is to play straight to the cameras, I'm almost better suited for segment producing / writing than being filmed but I'm sure over time it'll be a new challenge to tackle.

The traffic was shitty of course because that's just manhattan on a Friday and the running traffic commentary from Ronnie and Scott was hysterical to watch, I wonder at what point of aging does traffic become an interesting point of discussion, I'm sure that's why bad radio keeps traffic and weather together on the tens to keep focused on the inane.

The show in Chambersburg PA was great and the fans were very nice and enjoyed the access they got from the cast members. Shuli crushed, Yucko did well and was able to limit the n word to under five.

The highlight has to be Scott's hype man dancing intro which you'll be able to check out on Howard tv next week and I'm sure they'll discuss it Monday because it was gold.

Wolfie was on hand to do post show interviews and find some fan reaction but I think the presence of the h tv cameras made the fans be more polite.

It's 7am now saturday morning I finally got six hours of sleep and there's not a single bit of hangover which is great because I haven't had a few pops since February and the 11 vodka cranberries I downed along with fan party favors were the perfect cap off to an odd week that featured LA with Sal and Richard a drive from LA to TX and a flight from TX to NYC.

Enough "reality" and now back to reality which will involve some heavy duty cardio , yoga and back to the better choice section of Lifes menu. This is the first "cheat" day I've had in 90 days and I'm not sure I'm a fan of the concept, I get the calorie loading / metabolism aspect of it it's just odd to say " yeah I'll have candy" because it's a cheat day, but I guess moving from sugar addict to having sugar and feeling odd about it can only be described as progress.

And to quote my favorite philosophical lyricist Greg Graffin.

"And progress is a message that we send.
One step closer to the future, one inch closer to the end. I say
That progress is a synonym of time.
We are all aware of it but it's nothing we refine,
And progress is a debt we all must pay.
Its convenience we all cherish, its pollution we disdain
And the cutting edge is dulling,
Too many folks to plow through.
Just keep your fucking distance
And it can't include you."

So ultimately in the grand scheme there is no progress because there is no "better" to "improve" from the previous "worse" taken deeper because there is no previous and the notions of "before, better, worse, progress and regression" are egoic illusions, my own Statler and Waldorf sitting in the balcony of my mind going on and on to each other and the only way to exist is to turn off their mics and just be.

The 45 hours of footage shot covering 8 hours of life will be documented and edited into a 30 minute package to be consumed and judged by the public a nation full of Statler and Waldorfs and I'm sure if my odd assholish nature came out it'll be there as another reminder that in the end the only reality is the space in between breaths where no thoughts dwell.

Judgement has it's own platform spread over television, cable "news" and the landscape of social media and the key to unlocking the door of that trap is a simple clicking off of attention and back to "reality".

Contemplating returning to New Mexico I've got some unfinished business there and I'd like to plug in further to that feeling of community and acceptance In the middle of nowhere where real progress is made repairing the foundations of others lives one smile at a time.


I'm in a tricked out Denali listening to Sirius now with Ronnie, Scott, Shuli and Dan from Howard tv and I learned something great, be it a limo driver, a reporter a camera man, an engineer and a dick joke enthusiast / stand up philosopher.....

Everyone loves the Ramones.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

No Miserable Men Here

It's after midnite, I've had one hour of sleep in the past 39 hours and I'm starting to feel it.

Maybe it's the soundtrack of our ride home where Lenny from Long Island has Shuli and I rocking out to Fleetwood Mac and select tracks from Disney's Fantasia or perhaps its his shrine to gargoyles glued to his dash and the drugs but I'm half expecting Rick Moranis to appear and ask if I'm the gate keeper.

After some consideration you gotta give it up to Lindsey Buckingham for fucking Stevie bad enough to rule on these jams.

Read that paragraph again I went to college.

I was thinking back to my school days and my various cheating schemes that allowed me to graduate from high school and college, but that's what happens when you fail to identify evil genius and force him to learn about things that don't matter.

But every semester was the new beginning, I had a new folder, pens, alien shaped erasers and the promise I was not going to let it happen again.

It's almost a mirror to relationships, always the greatest of intentions but after a month my folder is covered with graffiti and metal band logos because that's metal 101 and from memory I can crank out perfect maiden, priest, slayer and anthrax lettering. My folder is shot because I lost interest and stopped showing up mentally and somehow failed to learn the one formula that all math us based on and I will forever have to do long division by hand using that symbol thats shaped like a stick figures machine gun and you try to get back on track you do extra credit and kiss extra ass and when all else fails .... Cheat.

Stevie was cheated on like my failed education which was replaced with metal knowledge so I understand why Lenny has a gargoyle shrine on his dashboard because that's what defines him at a deeper level the same reason I carry around rosary beads, prayer coins and a warzone button Raybeez gave me (RIP).

It's what powers our aura and as the traffic moves forward one of Lennys Christmas ornaments swings and hits my face, and that makes sense , I'm in a car coming home from a small comedy show where we did well despite the situation , Fleetwood Mac is jamming and we are all next level and life is exactly where it needs to be. No stress, no worries and every day really is Christmas and at my foundation of reality is acceptance and the reminder, " don't forget the struggle, don't forget the streets." "where's the harmony?"

Everywhere man everywhere.

Gargoyles as far as statues go are on the same level of Samurai sword awesome, which reminds me I'll rock out with some Maiden Japan later.

Up the Irons.

Ronnie's Block Party tomorrow and Jay Thomas on Howard 101 at 7am EST.

Wolves yo!

Yesterday started at 8am I woke up in Candy Kitchen, NM population like 39 or something smallish. The night prior I had spent three hours with a wise man discussing the universe, philosophy, purpose, acceptance and how all religions tell the same story.

Jump back three days earlier I was driving from norcal to LA to host the Sal and Richard show at the Avalon. On my way down I got some texts from a friend who had met this same man and said that the experience was so deep he couldn't put it into words. That's all I needed to hear and drove Monday night and all day Tuesday to get from Cali to New Mexico.

One of the best parts of being an experience junkie is finding myself in odd situations and in this case after the meeting with the wise man I was standing outside a cabin that was given to me for free and listening to the coyotes out howl the wolves from the near by wolf sanctuary. The stars were thick and very bright and with zero light pollution I knew I was home.


Unexpected yet not at all surprising given the last three months of my life where the universe works non stop to Create this playground.

So at 8am I was back in the car to chew up some more miles and 13 hours and 1457 calories later I pulled into mockingbird station in dallas for the open mic.

Nothing changes and it was great to see the comics trade insults and watch the audience walk after 4 guys ate shit sandwiches. I have six weeks of backlogged material to grind through plus whatever I write this weekend but that wolf sanctuary is calling to me louder than another week of standing around listening to people bitch about not getting booked, not being respected, and not improving. My new stuff worked better than I thought and I can't wait to do it tonight at the show with Shuli, Bocchetti and Maddog.

I left the open mic and pulled an all nighter doing eBay and my web store and answering emails and reconnecting with the world and now I'm waiting on the next call, the call being row 21 where I'll be jammed into an exit row on my way to NY.


I'll send details from Ronnie's Block Party and to quote Yucko The Clown's text from earlier today, " three hours in a car with Scott and Ronnie, he'd rather carpool with Ryan Dunn."

Not bad considering it was topical and free of the "N" word.

My love handles are jammed into this seat and we have a layover in Houston I've been awake for 24 hours through two big ass states, six minutes of dick jokes And enough beef jerky to ensure my shit now comes out like star shaped play dough but for real though.

Wolves man! Fucking wolves!!!!

Talk to you later this bitch -------------> keeps reading my screen.

Sent from my iPhone

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Arizona 6/21/11

Monday night at Hennessey's in Laguna Beach it felt like home again. The crowd was energetic and it was great to share the "fountain" with Dallas Favorite's Justin Foster and Raj Sharma. Last nights gig didn't have a stage however there was a one foot fountain we were able to perform from. It's just a continuing string of odd events that have been following me since I took off from Dallas in March.

To borrow the reverse of Gary's line my career is at a two but my life is at a "noine". I woke this morning after crashing in the sweltering desert heat of Lake Havasu, nothing like your maintenance light coming on at 1am in the middle of nowhere and it would be even easier to freak out over the possibility of disaster but I'd much rather enjoy the break and free coffee at the dealership. This is my fifth oil change this year and today I can add Arizona to Texas, Louisiana, Pennsylvania and California to my dealership list. The folks always tell me it must be exciting to travel the country and see everything and get away from their customer service desk, endless barrage of Toyota marketing and their eyeball strain wasted on the one unattainable hot chick each dealer employs. I don't have the heart to tell them that their lives and experiences have been replicated and even though the natural terrain changes the people have started to become as plastic and sterile as the unchanging Starbucks, Ihop, 24 Hour Fitness and every other corporatized entity that sells the same bland experience, but at least here the coffee is free.

Today is all about grinding some miles away to meet a stranger in the desert and discuss all things existence, universe and consciousness.

It's good to escape the fame trap of LA and my trip to CA was highlighted by my 40th birthday with my family and dancing and putting on shows for my six month old nephew. I know he only laughs as a reaction to energy but thats the lesson to learn in this whole life. He enjoys the socially conscious backseat musicals starring Seth the Elephant, Chauncey the Giraffe and Asian Horse , I probably should video next time.

I turned 40, The Sox are in first, the bruins won the Stanley Cup, I've dropped 40 lbs, found the cure to depression, the fountain of youth and got my first Howard Stern mention while on a three month roadie that took me from TX to NY to TX to LA to SF and all points in between and even though Foreigner's "Urgent" is playing there's ultimately no emergencies in a universe that doesn't make mistakes.

I've pealed back the curtain on reality and there are times I wish I hadn't but in a universe that doesn't make mistakes I need to stay on top of the now and guide as needed. The hot chick at the dealership has added me to her pay no mind list and has gone back to complaining how her man doesn't pay enough attention to her and that my friends is life at the dealership, where people go because they have to not because they want to but at least the coffee is free and the 80s station is pumping out the hits and the Cars are reminding me I've got "just what I needed". Free coffee, a nice break and the sweet jams from The Outfield.

Sent from my iPhone