Sunday, August 28, 2011

Seriously ... A wheel chair... Come on ...

I'm sitting at the Columbus airport, it's 5:05am, I'm in a wheelchair and my ankle can only be described as fucked up. The cops and paramedics were hella cool and Carey mixed a sweet vodka infused vitamin water zero roadie that I'm nursing while we wait to fly. Best part is that we ditched the handle of vodka in the garbage outside only to retrieve it thirty minutes later to make the pain and airport boredom manageable. Lol Up The Punx.

So three songs into our pitboss 2000 reunion set tonight during "blow the ladder" I found a soft spot in the stage and I rolled the ankle. I've rolled this ankle before many times at shows. The last time it was this bad, it was the summer of 97, I was in Detroit watching Machine Head and Corrosion of Conformity and after I sang a Cromags cover with MH I noticed there was a shit head seig Heiling in the front row which is enough of an open invitation for violence so we jumped off the monitor and my left foot found his shoulder and my right foot found his face and I dropped 370 lbs of fat kid on him which knocked him out but I traded an ankle for it.

Maybe that's karma coming back that one song after we did "Driving with your Chin Aka the Ballad of Christopher Reeve" where we lyrically bash the handicapped I hemmed up my ankle.

Everything happens for a reason and I'm enjoying being able to be lazy and sit around buzzed in my wheel chair. Maybe it's a wake up call that my 40 year old ass needs to stick to jokes and leave the young mans game of hardcore to the young dudes. Maybe, except every dude I respect is still doing this in their 30s to 60s and I'm gonna keep it up and enjoy it while it's here.

Columbus hasn't changed, the kids and music hasnt changed my friends haven't changed and I can always count on that.

We used to practice twice a week in a warehouse and we hung out and did shows in 2000, 11 years later, same practice space, same songs, but it didnt feel one bit like 11 years had passed, there's something about being involved that stops the aging process.

I am gonna stay young until I die, why? Because I get to choose to. Everyday, every choice, to not be jaded to accept what is and to no longer resist this universe.

I just wheeled my way through security, I was prodded, wanded and searched for bomb residue and I made the best of the process, what else could I do I'm internally raging on vodka and no sleep.

There was a dude in the handicapped stall in the Mens room.... what an asshole. Can't you see that's for people who need it ;).

For the cripples.... Cause they can't mosh.

Everybody move it!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

GG investments Inc

I'm pretty sure I witnessed a drug deal today or two CIA operatives trading identical Nike bags that were stored under a bus that goes back and forth from RVA to NYC.

That's normal right.... A bus pulls up, the driver gets out , unlocks a compartment , a guy walks up they trade bags and the dude leaves and the guy goes back to being a bus driver.

That's a pretty sweet gig, I've always wanted to get into international crime or pull some capers or hijinx, but I was raised in the suburbs with the fear of hell and prison rape as a deterrent from being a bad ass and now I smuggle punch lines inside of rape jokes and deliver them to drunks and for a second make them feel better or I'm delusional and the stage is really my living therapy.

I'm on a six hour bus ride to NYC and it just started, I want to sleep but I also don't want to get stabbed in the neck by a stranger but then again maybe I do, stranger things have happened.

Two shows in two days in Richmond and I had a blast, got to meet some new folks and party with old friends. We did a show at what used to be the old Twisters, which pitboss 2000 played there in either 98 or 99, mornings changed 13 years later I'm still a 13 year old saying offensive things in the name of underpaid underattended entertainment.

The show was video taped so there is evidence of me ruining the life of another cunty woman who wanted the show to be about her and I gave her what she wanted but also opened her brain up for the crowd to look inside and laugh. I also told the calling Dwight Goodens father the N word story which they were amusingly horrified by and I had to remind them that if they didn't want to hear racist thoughts they should've tried harder to win the civil war.... So that happened.

20 shots of vodka later I'm hurling clear liquid on my new GG vest and ringworm t shirt and being the belligerent philosopher I've always wanted to be.

Life is amazing, I'm head over heels for Carey and full on love sick in a gay as fuck way but I'm cool with it. It's nice to miss someone , it's very raw but it also keeps my head and heart open to experiencing everything this shit pile has to offer and I'm beyond stoked we get to do spots together in Columbus, I just have to stay alive long enough to make it.

Today's a drinking off day, I normally say that on days where I end up shitfaced but I'm on the road and I have no responsibilities other than writing and performing and riding busses and witnessing drug deals.

I'm going to listen to the new Powertrip songs and you should too.

As far as bands go they are right along with Municipal Waste and Overkill on the awesome scale and it's fucking great to know that level of band is in my backyard, go see them with AF at trees in sept you'll be stoked you did.


Monday, August 1, 2011

Pool noodles and the apocalypse

Last night I participated in a comedy competition in Fort Worth at a small bar that was full of people drinking and laughing on a Sunday , everyone did well and I was fortunate enough to put together a solid 5 of new and old to get the win.

I'm not really big on competitions as far as comedy goes but it's a necessary part of this life so I might as well enjoy the process and considering when I started in 2003 the open mic spots I was getting were after 1amand normally performing to other open micers and mostly chairs. After a while you learn to love the chairs.

I have a new hobby where I see change and embrace the new whatever. Relationships, work, radio, music, my health, my art it's all in a constant state of flux. It's easy to see now how before I was resistant to change and how life would manifest itself into problems and drama because I was fighting what was every step of the way.

Acceptance is at the foundation of our beings and with faith it's nice to sit back and watch life fall into place and the coincidences and simple miracles blink into place.

The ultimate task is being still enough to watch life being created while maintaining an inner vigilance to continue to embrace the decisions with enthusiasm that vibrate at the highest levels.

This only works if I can maintain my suspension of judgement.

And that's where we are today, fully accepting, no longer judging and constantly giving attention to the people I'm fortunate enough to encounter along the way.

Today my "punk ethic" was questioned and the term hippie was thrown my way. I'll gladly take all of it. Sometimes it's nice to know there's more out there paying attention than just the chairs.

Acceptance and attention ... The end

With these two principles at your foundation you can conquer this "world". You can surpass any limitation and co create your reality.

At that point you just have to sit back and enjoy the odd moments, the inside jokes, the belly Laughs that come with living in the middle of a big inside joke.

sometimes it's a duel with pool noodles inside a walmart that gets thwarted because your mind was read by someone who has known you for 1000s of years.

Sometimes it's a late night exorcism and dispatching rabbit sized demons ,( when my book comes out you'll get this story in it's entirety.)

Sometimes it's just a blank white board that says reality at the top of it and what's left are your dreams and intentions.

Sometimes it's chairs with the potential for audience , but that doesn't change the attention or the delivery.

Time to bring the A game to the A game.

Love , attention and acceptance, as it's always been regardless of whether or not I wanted to fully believe or participate , I've spent a lifetime limiting my output and held back by my judgmental definitions and resistance and sometimes you have to believe not only are the chairs not empty and being patiently held for guests who have always been there but waiting for my full attention.

Boner jams 5000

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Pool side living

Gorgeous Saturday here in Dfw I went over to my buddy Danny's condo for their yearly pool get together which meant I sat in the blistering heat, ate some BBQ, and perved on chicks in bikinis who were lounging around the pool while we talked about the future of the radio industry.

I knew I was doing the pool thing but I get weird about being shirtless in public because I'm losing weight in an odd way. It's like I have a smaller middle, smaller legs, and more muscular torso but the sick tragedy that is my gut is still spilling over my belt like a new orleans levee and my side boob fat and live handle meat are quite the spectacle. I'm learning to live with and enjoy my aging changing body, what other choice do I have really.

I could resist my changing Body and life but it was that resistance that led me to a spiraling depression, but no mas mi amigos.

I'm watching my body get thinner, I have more energy, I feel healthy and sure I have a bloated gut like a feed the children Ethiopian with bulging gut to match his bulging eye balls as he starves to death and to be honest I'd trade where I am now for his fate... Just for a chance to die with a big dick.

So after three hours of ball sweating lurking at the pool I made my way over to Garland to the local "Scooters" Pool Hall where I am headlining (going last) I love doing bar shows but I like doing them when the patrons are happy and attending and they want to be there.

As the people come in here, they have to tell the person collecting the money what they are here for.


They have managed to figure out that complaining can get past the $5 cover and they will get in for free, sit at the bar and judge the comedy show they refused to pay for, they will groan and be offended as their toothless day light drunk tendencies come to light and give them the nerve to sit and judge for free, some will laugh, some will hate, there will be a barefoot woman showing her boobs, drunk by the dartboard.

But that's all part of this, and that's what comes along with taking bar gigs, it's what comes along with not following the rules with refusing to capitulate to the restrictive rules scared club owners put on comics they can't control.

So I really can't complain as I sit here outside a bar in Garland with the sun out, with a sweaty back and a room full of sad people escaping their lives on a Saturday afternoon. I manifested this very experience and I'm stoked at the opportunity to show up and entertain, to crack the mic open, to crack my brain open and see what comes out. This set could be a train wreck, it could be the new ground zero, it's a great chance to experiment and just flow with the energy the willing and unwilling crowd chooses to give.

Crowds are like the girls pool side not all of them are great and there is no hard and fast rule about who decides who gets to laugh or wear a bikini and either way whether it's comedy or the pool, I'll have my shirt on, sucking in my gut and trying to see boobs.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Not guilty of living

Well the world, or atleast the stay at home parents and chronically unemployed sat in rapt attention watching the Casey Anthony verdicts come down today.

What I wanted to see was the camera tight on Nancy Grace's brutal mug as she scrambled and screamed at producers that their blood soaked hands were not going to be able to wring in vengeance that they had to run for plan B which was the hand wringing for baby Caylee.

Casey Anthony may or may not have killed her daughter but she and the media were complicit in creating a circus of attention to keep the world distracted on her while it falls apart around us.

This country celebrated a birthday yesterday and the rednecks and patriotic losers who find their egos bolstered by the flag waving and false pride are quick to care about this media circus while our country is 27th in worldwide education, leading in childhood obesity, failing school systems, crumbling infrastructure, two losing wars on terror, a lost war on drugs and a nation who votes more for singing and dancing contests than on actual elections.

It's the same distraction brought on by Anthony Weiner sending dick pics, it's the same distraction brought on by social networking and the international one sided conversation happening on twitter.

Btw @johntole

My jokes from today:

One thing we learned about the OJ and Casey Anthony trials ... Women are shitty lawyers.

The one difference between the OJ and Casey Anthony trial... I don't hate hot white chicks.

Am I the only one trying to cum at the same time as the verdict?

How long until Casey Anthony is convicted for stealing back her memorabilia ? ( written 21 mins before one of Letterman's writers tweeter the same joke)

Basically the lesson here... Turn off your tv, your computer, your phone, do it now, go outside an live your life, get active get moving and create a life worth living, no one is going to lie on their death bed and wish there was more court tv to watch, more opinions from that Louie Anderson clone Nancy Grace or that Darth Vader helmeted weirdo Jane Velez Mitchell while they blather on killing your brain cells while they talk about people in cells while they keep the brain of America captive.

Those two bitches and Dr. Drew actually had the nerve to condemn Casey Anthony for possibly profiting from this case.........

Are you fucking kidding me...

Apparently as far as people profiting from this case they hate the competition.

RIP Caylee and RIP the collective intelligence and conscience of the part of America trained like monkeys to pick up this shit being shoveled to them.

"Go outside and play"

All of our parents

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Major appliance minor disturbance

Nothing says Fourth of July weekend like being surrounded by crying children and angry people in a laundramat excuse me lavanderia.

Nothing says celebrating this great nation like abject poverty, high crime, $4 gas, no healthcare, 2 wars, 27th in education the nations attention on a chick with big tits making a mockery and spectacle out of the chance at life she was given and the Mexican tv has their version because entertaining the crying children in the play area with broken toys, are more broken toys in bikinis shaking their asses in front of American flags at a Mexican beach resort.

I can't imagine thinking of the effort and hard luck stories the people here could tell about coyotes, death and violence so they could come to this country and be collected into poor areas and then entertained by girls in USA bikinis dancing back home in Mexico.

Maybe the key to happiness is abs. The girls on the tv appear to having the time of their lives, they are unaware they are helping mold young minds of ignored children forced to spend a Saturday alone while their parents yell at people on their cell phones only to stop and tell the kids to stop crying.

My wardrobe has moved from xxxl to xl and I was concerned I had no clothes but thank you to icon screen printing and sullysbrand hooking me up big time I'm now able to revamp my look which in my 40 years has not changed.

20 t shirts , 20 undershirts, 20 pair of underwear , 10 socks and 3 pairs of shorts.

Keep it simple , that's the key to life.

I had to break to politely decline a washer to washer salesman selling jewelry and bootleg Perfume kits and while I appreciated his thought I might have a significant other to want to buy perfume for and that the kind of women who would be interested in me due to my present location and state of public laundering might be interested in his booty ass cologne but his technique and English was lacking and he just politely lifted the items into my view like the juggling chiclet kids on the bridge that smells like piss on the way to tj who I always buy from because that's because I enjoy a good show.

Sure as a traveling comedian white guy who gets to see the world and explore his mind, creation and experience all that life has to give while I entertain has to spend some time in sketchy neighborhoods next to combo pizza hut/cell phone/ laundromats. But that just keeps me grounded while I finish typing this at my Starbucks home office and I can tell you I'm light years from my married life where I was living in a four bedroom house with my own washer and dryer and I still had to do my laundry and without a doubt I was still yelling into my cellphone and watching sluts shake their ass on telemundo.

And thats why I dont have kids, I'm a horrible immature role model.

And sex isn't really an option at this point.

More on that later.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Here are some quick zingers, enjoy DONT WATCH AT WORK !

The sounds of salesmen

Its coming up on almost a year since I left... Was asked to leave corporate America. Nothing was more soul crushing than having to scramble out of bed to sit in a sterile cubicle environment in dress slacks and some Ill fitting button up shirt waiting for some uptight douche be offended because a half inch of tattoo would creep out of my sleeve. Combine that with boredom and unlimited snacks brought in for who ever the fucks birthday it was it was no wonder even after a successful gastric bypass surgery I was eating my way back to 400.

The meetings, the bullet points, the action items, the calling in sick to work, the showing up late, the leaving early, the walking around looking busy only to hide in the shitter and text my friends while I got paid.... I don't miss any of it.

What I miss is the six figure income and the guaranteed paycheck where as now it's all About the grind, the hustle, and the constant juggling of tasks.

Everyday I'm a comedian, radio guy, writer, editor, Booker, manager, agent, shipping, customer service, designer, videographer and blogger.

My day is full top to bottom which is amazing but I'm starting to run into that wall where some projects that I'm working on with the hope of future earnings are panning out to be money losers or time Wasters or money makers for everyone else involved.

It's an eye opening part of the entertainment industry because there is no shortage of untalented people who will gladly work for free just for the opportunity to feed their egos and the business owners only care about their bottom-line and not their product and they are more than happy to fuck over anyone who will let them.

Just like corporate America is there to suck the life force out of anyone who will gladly trade their energy for guarantees and healthcare.

Today was the perfect combination of passion and purpose and a few really bright lights were turned on and I'm beyond stoked on what's coming next.

This weeks booking efforts has landed:

The Addison improv 7/21 to 7/24 plus a special late show on 7/23 with Justin Foster.

8/13 headlining the Addison improv late show and it will sell out.

8/15-8/19 Richmond Virginia and NYC with Blake Midgette and Jake Flores.

And some great potential opportunities in the works for the fall and one big one that might be a game changer.

Stay tuned and remember tomorrow is casual Friday so that means tomorrow at Starbucks I'll be free balling it.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

You can still rock in America

Breathing is life and it's the ever changing exchange of the life force coming into your body. Trends will come and go as surely as your chest will rise and fall with each breath and when you reach your limit and check out you will realize there is no death and no reason to be anxious about what is.

I was meditating and focusing on my breath today, off in the blackness of my closed eyes colors and images started taking shape and when I turned my attention on making it out and digging for relevance it was gone.

Don't we love those experiences that rock our foundations be it an encounter with a fellow traveller or the shattering ego death that can accompany heavier drug trips, I think of the experiences that I've had, phenomenon witnessed, transformations and miracles, coincidence, fate and sometimes I find it hard to focus when someone is telling me about a funny reality show or something they read on twitter and I want to scream about the wasted breath and that their time in this existence is short and to take a hold of life and actually live and that there are absolutely no life changing relevant things on twitter.

Btw @johntole

Anyways, it's a bit frustrating to know I have people close to me who can't get there, to watch them struggle, to watch them wonder what's wrong, to dream and never do but it strengthens my resolve to keep sharing no matter how off my rocker they think I am.

TV, the Internet, movies, social networking, the 24 hour cable news cycles are all traps. They exist to trap you into the life of reaction, the life of judgement, a deep sleep where you wake up on your death bed and beg for more meaningful moments with your family that you ignored while Hollywood and Madison avenue filled hour mind with drivel and the need to buy ultimately worthless possessions out of boredom.

I've been without tv since march and have also been on a news fast. If something major happens there are no shortage of folks who will tell me, but even now 120+ days into my news fast it has not impacted my life in a negative way, in fact quite the opposite, I have time to put positive energy into positive endeavors where as news is a constant cycle of fear mongering and hand wringing while middle America takes one right up the middle while corporations profit.

Poverty, famine, war, terrorism, corruption, lies, politics which create and encompass all of it will always be and with the removal of it from my world view I have seen some marked improvement in my productivity and over all well being.

The laughing baby is the new water skiing squirrel.

Tell me when the squirrel starts laughing I'll tune back in, otherwise you'll catch me twice a week at adrift float spas here in dallas off of Preston and Northwest highway enjoying the sensory deprivation of their amazing floatation rooms.

If you enjoy relaxation, meditation, if you would like to experience zero gravity and discover the power and soothing presence of your breath, I suggest you head on down.

That's where I was today right in the middle of my first 36 hours in dallas, between 2 of the 4 sets I've done, after my radio show ( Health, Wealth and Happiness on 1190am Dfw Monday through Friday 11 to noon) and before a kick ass yoga class at American power yoga, I was floating, I was breathing and for a brief second I caught a glimpse of eternity and it was Laughing on water skis.

Today's set list:
Period joke
Marriage is like homelessness
Online dating
Garage sales
Used excercise equipment
Hot lava monster
School programs

Huge thank you to everyone who took time to check out the UYH Records Web Store at

Monday, June 27, 2011

Stand up stand by bystander

There's something about the airport that releases my inner pervert. I find myself constantly scoping out travellers and stewardesses consuming them as objects. Even as a kid I was drawn to the hot blonde who would pass out extra peanuts and wings if you were a good flyer and if you were really good, a chance to meet the pilot and see the cockpit. (cock pit... See even now I
In post 9/11 America you can't make any jokes about travel at the airport and everyone is hyper vigilant which impacts me because now I have to be extra sly while I'm scoping out the Bevvy of Air whores flitting about the terminal.

And I know they're not whores, it's just an over simplification of a stereotype perpetuated by 80s porn where all you needed was the right crew and a locked lavatory and cue the music "bom chicka wah wah" you're were flying to the island of fuck town.

But it's not real, none of this is real, the reality is that I'm flying stand by and I'm bored out of my skull, sure I could strike up a conversation with a stranger but I can only imagine how just my very look elevates the terror level to magenta or delta niner or whatever false flag scare tactic they are using to scare and titillate bored Americans to keep them consuming and moving.

I used to get excited about flying, when I was a kid I would lay in bed, not sleeping one bit because I was so excited to fly and now I stay up all night because I'll sleep through any and every alarm, miss my flight and screw up work which is the reason I'm flying in the first place. Now I'm so tired when I reach the terminal, I'm too exhausted to be mad that I'm perceived as an enemy of the state and poked and prodded by underpaid under educated agents of the state. I'm too exhausted to flinch when the gate agent comes off as cunty and I wanna pull her colonel sanders bow tie in a noose like Rambo escaping from a prison camp. I'm hoping to get in my seat and wake up at my destination and sleep walk through the next destination so the reality of my dream coming true doesn't implode my brain.

When I was a kid I said, all I want is a job where I get to travel where I don't have responsibilities and I get to see and do things the rank and file don't.

Looking back I probably would've nudged young me and said, throw in money, health insurance, and a rich absentee wife who will let you roam the globe while she works hard running your strip club/batting cage/golf course/ bubble hockey emporium.

But for all this complaining I'm accepting of my current situation.

I'm flying stand by waiting to be called to the podium, my career seems to be on the same path, just waiting for the next big jump but in the mean time groggily watching the hours click by, objectifying flight attendants and hoping one just one hot blonde one will give me extra snacks and cue the music.

Believe and you will achieve.

Tonight I'll be back to the grind, back to the drawing board, back to basics, back on the streets again, spreading the disease.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Reality on the real for real caught on a reel

1 am Saturday morning caps off a surreal day. Got up at 6:15 am 5 mins later I'm in a cab heading towards the 7 train and by 7am I'm sitting on the Jay Thomas Show on Howard 101.

After handling Casey anthonys future innocent verdict we finish with chyna's oversized clit and she hears the conversation and refuses to come on air with us. All in all awesome, I got some jokes on air and some gems for ira.

The morning was completed with a piece of chicken perfected by Lisa G with Jason Kaplan's new barrage of bacon flavored rubs and a ride down to the lobby with Opie and Anthony who were cool as fuck.

Scott the engineer, Shuli and I with Dan from Howard tv rode to Ronnie's house where we filmed some more and the jumped in Ronnie's truck for the 4+ hour ride to PA.

Howard tv was running two cameras in Ronnie's truck it's odd to figure out the fine line of reality performance while acting natural when my natural inclination is to play straight to the cameras, I'm almost better suited for segment producing / writing than being filmed but I'm sure over time it'll be a new challenge to tackle.

The traffic was shitty of course because that's just manhattan on a Friday and the running traffic commentary from Ronnie and Scott was hysterical to watch, I wonder at what point of aging does traffic become an interesting point of discussion, I'm sure that's why bad radio keeps traffic and weather together on the tens to keep focused on the inane.

The show in Chambersburg PA was great and the fans were very nice and enjoyed the access they got from the cast members. Shuli crushed, Yucko did well and was able to limit the n word to under five.

The highlight has to be Scott's hype man dancing intro which you'll be able to check out on Howard tv next week and I'm sure they'll discuss it Monday because it was gold.

Wolfie was on hand to do post show interviews and find some fan reaction but I think the presence of the h tv cameras made the fans be more polite.

It's 7am now saturday morning I finally got six hours of sleep and there's not a single bit of hangover which is great because I haven't had a few pops since February and the 11 vodka cranberries I downed along with fan party favors were the perfect cap off to an odd week that featured LA with Sal and Richard a drive from LA to TX and a flight from TX to NYC.

Enough "reality" and now back to reality which will involve some heavy duty cardio , yoga and back to the better choice section of Lifes menu. This is the first "cheat" day I've had in 90 days and I'm not sure I'm a fan of the concept, I get the calorie loading / metabolism aspect of it it's just odd to say " yeah I'll have candy" because it's a cheat day, but I guess moving from sugar addict to having sugar and feeling odd about it can only be described as progress.

And to quote my favorite philosophical lyricist Greg Graffin.

"And progress is a message that we send.
One step closer to the future, one inch closer to the end. I say
That progress is a synonym of time.
We are all aware of it but it's nothing we refine,
And progress is a debt we all must pay.
Its convenience we all cherish, its pollution we disdain
And the cutting edge is dulling,
Too many folks to plow through.
Just keep your fucking distance
And it can't include you."

So ultimately in the grand scheme there is no progress because there is no "better" to "improve" from the previous "worse" taken deeper because there is no previous and the notions of "before, better, worse, progress and regression" are egoic illusions, my own Statler and Waldorf sitting in the balcony of my mind going on and on to each other and the only way to exist is to turn off their mics and just be.

The 45 hours of footage shot covering 8 hours of life will be documented and edited into a 30 minute package to be consumed and judged by the public a nation full of Statler and Waldorfs and I'm sure if my odd assholish nature came out it'll be there as another reminder that in the end the only reality is the space in between breaths where no thoughts dwell.

Judgement has it's own platform spread over television, cable "news" and the landscape of social media and the key to unlocking the door of that trap is a simple clicking off of attention and back to "reality".

Contemplating returning to New Mexico I've got some unfinished business there and I'd like to plug in further to that feeling of community and acceptance In the middle of nowhere where real progress is made repairing the foundations of others lives one smile at a time.


I'm in a tricked out Denali listening to Sirius now with Ronnie, Scott, Shuli and Dan from Howard tv and I learned something great, be it a limo driver, a reporter a camera man, an engineer and a dick joke enthusiast / stand up philosopher.....

Everyone loves the Ramones.